Funny One Liners

That's the secret to life… replace one worry with another.

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my statuses?”

Always believe in God. Because there are some questions that even Google can't answer.

Face down, ass up, that s the way we............ tie our shoes!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished.

I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Mega Jones

One day before exam, I become the most religious person in the WORLD!!

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

Candy Is dandy, But liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash

I swear to DRUNK, I am not GOD.

Marriage is not a word...is a sentence.    source: funnyquotes4u.net

Love is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always willing to find a way.
Anonymous

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Ansyoriw

Old age is always 15 years older than I am.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
Yogi Berra

I'm so poor i can't afford to pay attention.

It is bad to suppress your laughter. It goes back down to your hips.

An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.
Anonymous

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.
Anonymous

They misunderestimated me!
George W. Bush

Love, Cough, and a Smoke, can't well be hid.
Benjamin Franklin

Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Girls: No Shirt, No Charge.

If I talk to a girl, it's assumed that I'm having a scene with her. If I don't, then it's assumed that I'm gay.
Shahrukh Khan

I Never Make Mistakes, I Thought I Did Once, But I Was Mistaken.

If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home.
Jim Jefferies

The only two facilities that work on the bell system are schools and prisons.
Anonymous

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.

Do you Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

I tried being normal once; I didn’t like it.