Funny Sayings and Quotes

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
Unknown

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.
Mel Brooks

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain. And most do.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike
Sam Kinison

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much. You’re not that good.

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.
Dudley Moore

How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Mark Twain

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Nancy Astor

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

One can’t complain. I have my friends. Why, someone spoke to me only yesterday.
Eeyore

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read.
Unknown

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

If you’re afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.
Anton Chekov

I like children – fried.
WC Fields

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Bill Clinton

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde

Really fighting the urge to put my head on my desk & taking a power nap.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
Kin Hubbard

I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Woody Allen

I pee in the shower.

It’s our duty to kick your booty.

We must hang together, or surely we shall hang separately.
Benjamin Franklin

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

My body is a temple where junk food goes to worship.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey.

I am surrounded by Idiots.