Funny Sayings

Believe those who are seeking truth, doubt those who find it.
Andre Gide

I'm so cool, I make ice jealous!
Unknown

Animals are always loyal and love you, whereas with children you never know where you are.
Christina Foyle

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Unknown

S** is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Unknown

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!
Winston Churchill

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Unknown

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal.

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
Max Eastman

Where there’s a will…..I want to be in it.
Anonymous

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense.
Unknown

I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.
Christina Aguilera

I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
Joseph Heller

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
Unknown

When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.
Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Unknown

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Unknown

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.

Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.
Bertrand Russell

I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.
Jenny Éclair

Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
Jack Handey

If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
Will Rogers

Results? Why man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know 50,000 things that won’t work.
Thomas A. Edison

The zoo, it's better than the passport office.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Unknown

Man is a political animal by nature; he is a scientist by chance or choice; he is a moralist because he is a man.----Hans J. Morgenthau