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Funny Sayings Page 19

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
Henry Lawson


I don't know half of you as well as I should like and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
JRR Tolkien

A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.
Unknown

Intolerance will not be tolerated!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Mark Twain

Hard work never killed anybody. But it does keep you off Facebook.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Unknown

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman

No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Goodwill makes the road shorter.

My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.
Joyce Brothers

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Unknown

There are 24 hours in a day and 24 cans of beer in a case. Coincidence?
Unknown

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips!!
Unknown

Man’s snoring has been designed by nature to ensure that a woman is not too upset when her husband hasn’t come home tonight.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Unknown

I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
Unknown

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Ashleigh Brilliant

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
George Carlin
Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
Thomas R. Dewar

When life hands you lemons make orange juice then laugh while everyone is trying to figure out what the hell you did.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Put the Mime back in the box.

Proud to be a Photobomber.

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch.

What happens in my Garage Stay sin my Garage.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

I drink beer like It's my Job.

Comments

  1. lose your pen=no pen
    no pen=no notes
    no notes=not study
    no study=fail
    fail=no diploma
    no diploma=no job
    no job=no money
    no money=no food
    no food=you get skinny
    you get skinny=you get ugly
    ugly=no love
    no love=no marriage
    no marriage=no children
    no children=alone
    alone=depression
    depression=sickness
    sickness=death
    Lesson: don't lose your pen, you will die :p

    ReplyDelete
  2. that's why i always type my letters in pencil! ;p

    ReplyDelete

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