After 30, a body has a mind of its own.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao Tsu

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the Prices of new car.

When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.
Blair Sabol

I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.
Jeff Foxworthy

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

If guilty pleasures are so guilty then why do they feel so darn innocent.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?
Mark Twain


I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
Homer J. Simpson

I don’t want to die, but I am not keen on living either.

What do toilets and refrigerators have in common? They both know how to hold a load of crap.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That…

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Marilyn Monroe

If you’re rich, I am single.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Calvin

I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.
Charlie Sheen

Courage is being scared to death – and saddling up anyway.
John Wayne

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

I know KARATE and at least two other Chinese words.

Some people are like slinky and not really good for anything. But they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

If there is no god, who pops up the next kleenex?

What's another word for thesaurus?

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
Patrick Murray

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

They Say Love Hides Behind Every Corner,
I Must Be Walking In Circles.
Unknown

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Frank Sinatra

Don't fall in love with me, Kid.

Hope is for sissies.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Always remember you’re unique… Just like everyone else.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.
Henny Youngman

Banging your head on a wall burns 150 calories per hour.

Normal people scare me!

I don’t need anger management, I need for people to stop ticking me off.

Keep Staring. I might do a trick.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ----Fred Allen

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.