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Funny Sayings Page 17

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
George Burns

Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.
Zig Ziglar

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.
Bernard Manning

You are a leaf that doesn't know it is part of a tree.

If you woke up today, congratulations! You have another chance.
Unknown

Excuses are like asses everyone’s got them and they all stink.

It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow then to spend tonight like there’s no money.
P.J. Rourke

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Mahatma Gandhi

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I don't suffer fools, and I like to see fools suffer.
Florence King

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W.C. Fields

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I Am The Cold Shiver Running Down Your Spine.

I think a girl can be feminine even if she’s an athlete. You just can’t be afraid to get dirty.
Dana Hill

You can only take out of a bag what was already in it.
Unknown

I have so much to do…that I am going to bed.
French Proverb

If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
Unknown

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
Anonymous

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others can’t keep it from themselves. Unknown

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
Walter Winchell

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Unknown

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Woody Allen

Hi ! My NAme is TROUBLE.

If one were to take the bible seriously one would go mad. But to take the bible seriously, one must be already mad.    Aleister Crowley


I can resist everything except temptation.

I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Today, if you're not an alcoholic, you're nobody.

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.

YOur PrETTY FacE is GOinG tO hELL!

Bend over, I'll show you.

Computer dating is fine, If you’re a computer that is.

There are two great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.

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  1. Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos.

    ReplyDelete

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Funny Sayings Page 1

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
Unknown

Feel free to use anything, except my spouse & my toothbrush...I mean it about the toothbrush. Source : Humorous Funny Sayings

Please be patient. Even a toilet can handle only one asshole at a time.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson  

Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? Anyhow, I'm busting for a pee.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both partiesget what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Unknown

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, So I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. :)

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
Robert Frost

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
Craig Bruce

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

Newton’s third law of love: For every Idiot, there is an equal and opposite Gender Idiot!
Ano…

Funny One Liners

That's the secret to life… replace one worry with another.

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my statuses?”

Always believe in God. Because there are some questions that even Google can't answer.

Face down, ass up, that s the way we............ tie our shoes!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished.

I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Mega Jones

One day before exam, I become the most religious person in the WORLD!!

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

Candy Is dandy, But liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash

I swear to DRUNK, I am not GOD.

Marriage is not a word...is a sentence.    source: funnyquotes4u.net

Love is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always will…

Funny Sayings About Old Age

I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old. - Peter Gabriel Don’t worry about avoiding temptation – as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
~Author Unknown
I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know? -Barry Cryer Growing old is like...
Being increasingly penalized ,
For a crime you have not committed!
Anthony Powell
I’m not interested in age. People who tell me their age are silly. You’re as old as you feel. ~Elizabeth ArdenWe don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. ~George Bernard ShawLife is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. ~Truman Capote I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. --- George Burns Old age is when you keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
- Lillian Carter
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not …

Wise Sayings

Beauty is truth, truth beauty" - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. ----John Keats Simplicity and straight forwardness and not intelligence, lead to happiness. The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart. ---Benjamin Franklin Don’t show attitude… I have one of my own… The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. Never move an old boundary mark that your ancestors established. Keep the gains of the post generation safely and pass them to our
future generation with useful addition by using best of our knowledge
and caliber. . A single moment of understanding can flood a whole life with meaning. ----Unknown Author You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum. ~Frances Willard Try to hide bad qualities of others. …

Funny Short Sayings

Sit comfortably, have a cup of coffee in your hand and be ready for journey, the journey of funny short sayings. Unlike other journey which consists of some degree of tiredness, this journey will provide you with giggles, chuckles, laughter, fun and humor. When you came back from this journey, you’ll feel refreshed, lightened and ecstatic.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

You’re just 18 with (?) year’s experience.

Funny how the new things are the old things.
Rudyard Kipling

The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.
Sarah Brown

My Nuts are Ok.

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
Oscar Wilde

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

I have enjoyed life a lot more by saying yes than by saying no.  Source

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a…