Funny Sayings and Quotes

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. --- Henry Kissinger

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. ---Irvin S. Cobb

A mechanical engineer can ' bcom ' a mechanic but a software engineer can-not ' bcom ' a software.----Mr. Bill Gates

Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.

She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

He's an expert on padded cells.

When life gives you lemons, you’d better wait for it to give you some sugar first or else you’ll have some really nasty-tasting lemonade.

I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply! - Frank

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. William Feather

What a hotel! The towels were so big and fluffy that I could hardly close my suitcase. Henny Youngman

PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals. ~ Jon Ribbens

Nobody notices what I do..until I don’t do it! ~ Anonymous

To catch me u got to be fast, to find me u got to be smart, but to be me... HA u must be kidding!

Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now..... sorry I will leave I can't find a brain.
Anonymous

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool.
Edgar Watson Howe

In lovemaking, what he lacked in size, he made up for in speed.
Roseanne

Sometimes I wish I was a monkey so I could throw poop at people & it would be legal.

I wish to weep but sorrow is stupid. I wish to believe but belief is a graveyard.

Get out of the fucking way, I can’t see the screen.

If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.
Jim Rohn

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. —–Elayne Boosler