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Funny Sayings Page 7

  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  • A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny
  • When you ASSUME you make an A-S-S out of U and Me.
  • A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome even for the King. - Emily Dickinson
  • Computer programmers don't byte They nibble a bit.
  • People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
  • Failure is the mother of success.
  • May those who love us love us,
    and those who do not love us,
    may God turn their hearts,
    and if He cannot turn their hearts
    may He turn their ankles
    that we may know them by their limping.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
    Steven Wright
  • Everyone's entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the priviledge.
  • Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
    Jim Barkus
  • No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
  • When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn't look at me, he's probably gay.
    Kathleen Turner
  • To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  • I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
    Woody Allen
  • “Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!
  • All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts. —-William Shakespeare
  • There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. —-Helen Rowland
  • The night before the English History mid-term, your biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?


  1. "When you ASSUME you make an A-S-S out of U and Me."
    I first heard that in 8 Simple Rules :D

  2. i like this one..

    "if it weren't for elecrticity, we'd all be watching TV by candle light."


    "im the kinda girl to laugh at something that happened.... yesterday"

  3. Love is like a booger. U keep pickin at it until u got it n when u do u dnt kno wat 2 do with it.

  4. love is like a train if you dont fit dont insist your self..theres another train comming

  5. when life hands you lemons, ask for salt and vodka.

  6. I stepped on a cornflake today so now i am a cereal killer.

  7. "sales man" have you found spots on an arm lately. well its mine can i have it back

  8. ha ha ha ha ha ha is all i can say.

  9. hekhekhekhek!!!
    i think i broke my laugh box?!


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Funny Sayings Page 1

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.

Feel free to use anything, except my spouse & my toothbrush...I mean it about the toothbrush. Source : Humorous Funny Sayings

Please be patient. Even a toilet can handle only one asshole at a time.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson  

Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? Anyhow, I'm busting for a pee.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both partiesget what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, So I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. :)

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
Robert Frost

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
Craig Bruce

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

Newton’s third law of love: For every Idiot, there is an equal and opposite Gender Idiot!

Funny One Liners

That's the secret to life… replace one worry with another.

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my statuses?”

Always believe in God. Because there are some questions that even Google can't answer.

Face down, ass up, that s the way we............ tie our shoes!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished.

I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Mega Jones

One day before exam, I become the most religious person in the WORLD!!

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

Candy Is dandy, But liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash

I swear to DRUNK, I am not GOD.

Marriage is not a a sentence.    source:

Love is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always will…

Funny Sayings About Old Age

I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old. - Peter Gabriel Don’t worry about avoiding temptation – as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
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I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know? -Barry Cryer Growing old is like...
Being increasingly penalized ,
For a crime you have not committed!
Anthony Powell
I’m not interested in age. People who tell me their age are silly. You’re as old as you feel. ~Elizabeth ArdenWe don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. ~George Bernard ShawLife is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. ~Truman Capote I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. --- George Burns Old age is when you keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
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Wise Sayings

Beauty is truth, truth beauty" - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. ----John Keats Simplicity and straight forwardness and not intelligence, lead to happiness. The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart. ---Benjamin Franklin Don’t show attitude… I have one of my own… The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. Never move an old boundary mark that your ancestors established. Keep the gains of the post generation safely and pass them to our
future generation with useful addition by using best of our knowledge
and caliber. . A single moment of understanding can flood a whole life with meaning. ----Unknown Author You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum. ~Frances Willard Try to hide bad qualities of others. …

Funny Short Sayings

Sit comfortably, have a cup of coffee in your hand and be ready for journey, the journey of funny short sayings. Unlike other journey which consists of some degree of tiredness, this journey will provide you with giggles, chuckles, laughter, fun and humor. When you came back from this journey, you’ll feel refreshed, lightened and ecstatic.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

You’re just 18 with (?) year’s experience.

Funny how the new things are the old things.
Rudyard Kipling

The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.
Sarah Brown

My Nuts are Ok.

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
Oscar Wilde

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

I have enjoyed life a lot more by saying yes than by saying no.  Source

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