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Funny Sayings Page 7

  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  • A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny
  • When you ASSUME you make an A-S-S out of U and Me.
  • A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome even for the King. - Emily Dickinson
  • Computer programmers don't byte They nibble a bit.
  • People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
  • Failure is the mother of success.
  • May those who love us love us,
    and those who do not love us,
    may God turn their hearts,
    and if He cannot turn their hearts
    may He turn their ankles
    that we may know them by their limping.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
    Steven Wright
  • Everyone's entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the priviledge.
  • Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
    Jim Barkus
  • No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
  • When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn't look at me, he's probably gay.
    Kathleen Turner
  • To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  • I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
    Woody Allen
  • “Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!
  • All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts. —-William Shakespeare
  • There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. —-Helen Rowland
  • The night before the English History mid-term, your biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?


  1. "When you ASSUME you make an A-S-S out of U and Me."
    I first heard that in 8 Simple Rules :D

  2. i like this one..

    "if it weren't for elecrticity, we'd all be watching TV by candle light."


    "im the kinda girl to laugh at something that happened.... yesterday"

  3. Love is like a booger. U keep pickin at it until u got it n when u do u dnt kno wat 2 do with it.

  4. love is like a train if you dont fit dont insist your self..theres another train comming

  5. when life hands you lemons, ask for salt and vodka.

  6. I stepped on a cornflake today so now i am a cereal killer.

  7. "sales man" have you found spots on an arm lately. well its mine can i have it back

  8. ha ha ha ha ha ha is all i can say.

  9. hekhekhekhek!!!
    i think i broke my laugh box?!


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Funny Sayings Page 1

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Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? Anyhow, I'm busting for a pee.

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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
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That's the secret to life… replace one worry with another.

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my statuses?”

Always believe in God. Because there are some questions that even Google can't answer.

Face down, ass up, that s the way we............ tie our shoes!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished.

I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
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One day before exam, I become the most religious person in the WORLD!!

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

Candy Is dandy, But liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash

I swear to DRUNK, I am not GOD.

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Funny Sayings Page 18

After 30, a body has a mind of its own.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao Tsu

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the Prices of new car.

When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.
Blair Sabol

I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.
Jeff Foxworthy

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

If guilty pleasures are so guilty then why do they feel so darn innocent.

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I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
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I don’t want to die, but I am not keen on living either.

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