I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

When you ASSUME you make an A-S-S out of U and Me.

A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome even for the King. - Emily Dickinson

Computer programmers don't byte They nibble a bit.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Failure is the mother of success.

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Larry

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
Steven Wright

Everyone's entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the priviledge.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Jim Barkus

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn't look at me, he's probably gay.
Kathleen Turner

To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

“Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts. —-William Shakespeare

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. —-Helen Rowland

The night before the English History mid-term, your biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?