I never criticize referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that prat. - Ron Atkinson
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,"How about the kitchen?"—Anonymous
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. – Anonymous
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.------ Frieda Norris
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
A glow worm is never glum… Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
Cricket is basically baseball on Valium. ---- Robin Williams
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Nothing in life can hurt you except yourself, and of course barbed wire, but that's another story.
Wipe your mouth, There is still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out.
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. —- John Wilmot
A baby is a blank check made payable to the human race. —- Barbara Christine Seifert
The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I’d do anything to bone her.
You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don’t have enough money to get to Aspen, we don’t have enough money to get home, we don’t have enough money to eat, and we don’t have enough money to sleep! ---Dumb and Dumber
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20