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Funny Sayings Page 5

  • I never criticize referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that prat. - Ron Atkinson
  • I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,"How about the kitchen?"—Anonymous
  • If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
  • Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. – Anonymous
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.------ Frieda Norris
  • I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • A glow worm is never glum… Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
  • Cricket is basically baseball on Valium. ---- Robin Williams
  • My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  • Nothing in life can hurt you except yourself, and of course barbed wire, but that's another story.
  • Wipe your mouth, There is still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
  • If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
    Billy Wilder
  • The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
  • You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
  • If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out.
    Arthur Koestler
  • Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. —- John Wilmot
  • A baby is a blank check made payable to the human race. —- Barbara Christine Seifert
  • The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I’d do anything to bone her.
  • You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don’t have enough money to get to Aspen, we don’t have enough money to get home, we don’t have enough money to eat, and we don’t have enough money to sleep! ---Dumb and Dumber


  1. What about this one... The person who said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

  2. haha that's good! how about: last night i played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts!

  3. "The person who said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door..."

    Chuck Norris can...

  4. here's one, " What do you do if you are riding a giraffe and getting chased by a lion?-- Get your drunk butt off the merry go round"

  5. What about "I'm a paranoid apathiest. I know someones out to get me i just dont care"

  6. how about this one...
    If the world was a stage, I want to be the one operating the trap door

  7. I got one...
    It's better to be obscene than not seen at all.

  8. who said nothing is impossible, i have been here doing nothing for the last one hour.

  9. A dyslexic atheist doesnt believe in dog.

  10. When life hands you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back, drink, and watch the rest of the world try to figure out how you did it!!

  11. another one:

    The person who said nothing is impossible, never tried seeing his/her own ears without mirror... LOL xD

  12. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
    When Chuck Norris Jumps in a lake he doesn't get wet...the lake gets Chuck Norris!!!
    is there any thing chuck norris cant do!?!

  13. If someone tells you that nothing is impossible, ask them to dribble a football.

  14. "Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
    When Chuck Norris Jumps in a lake he doesn't get wet...the lake gets Chuck Norris!!!
    is there any thing chuck norris cant do!?!"


  15. Once, Chuck Norris committed suicide and lived because death was afraid of him.

    Chuck Norris was once bitten by a poisonous snake. Two days later, the snake died.

    If you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough.

    Everyone is successful until they die.

  16. Here's one:
    Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried licking their elbow.

  17. Sorry to discrdit but I can actually lick my elbows. :P

  18. Don't be loco loco, kiss me poco poco!

  19. Nothing is impossible, after all, WE'RE still around XD

  20. Some people are like slinkeys, not really good for anything but you can't help smiling when one tumbles down the stairs :)

  21. they say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." but i think thats descriminate against blind people

  22. Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried nailing jello to a wall. haha!

  23. if you leave your keys in the car call a robber or a lock smith best thing ever ah shit got get my keys back 911 yes i would like to get my keys that stoled...........hello........dam


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