As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. ---- Fran Lebowitz

She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel.

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

Optimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.- Kin Hubbard
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. ----Katherine Hepburn

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ---– Herm Albright

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Anyone who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, is aiming ten inches too high.
Anonymous

A woman is like a teabag; you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Nancy Reagan

You know, I don’t really recall. Starts with an S! Let’s see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?----Dumb and Dumber

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry. —— Anonymous

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. — Oscar Wilde

Are we not like two volumes of one book? —-Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
Martin Luther