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Funny Sayings Page 2

  • God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
  • It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
  • Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.
  • Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,my first instinct is to laugh.But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
  • Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.---- Woody Allen
  • Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? --- Groucho Marx
  • I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
  • Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
  • A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown
  • He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. ~ Benjamin Franklin
  • Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. ---Joan Rivers
  • Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times. ----Mark Twain
  • Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion. ----Colonel Flagg
  • What a dog I got, his favourite bone is in my arm. ----Rodney Dangerfield
  • Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. ----Bo Derek
  • Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
  • A rocket will never be able to leave the earth’s atmosphere. ----The New York Times
  • I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ----Dave Edison
  • I didn‘t want war. To assume I wanted war is just flat wrong. ----Bush at News Conference on 21 March 2006 Brocktown News
  • After a rich man gets rich, his next ambition is to get richer.
  • Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find one good you must one hundred try. ----Claude Mermet
  • Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't spell.


  1. Some Idiots says, "Behind every successful man, there is a woman" But nobody knows the fact "Women go only behind the successful men".

  2. Man walks into a bar, ow...

  3. to me some of this qoutes are funny, and wat i like is that i just found one that means alot to me and i'm gonna get it as a tattoo

  4. "behind every succesful woman there is a man staring at her ass". Rory Davis

  5. Save water, shower with your girlfriend.

  6. One should love animals, Tasty!

    Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep right now.

    Money is not everything, there is always master card.

    Love the neighbor, just watch out for the husband.

    Children in the backseat cause accidents, Accidents in the backseat cause children.

  7. Those who criticise our generation seem to forget who raised it!!!

  8. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Confusious

  9. Fact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.

  10. Man who walk into airport door sideways going to Bangcock. Confutious

  11. A guy walks into a bar ... OUCH!

    If aliens are looking for intelligent life WHY ARE YOU SCARED?!

    Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

  12. A Pessimist is just an Optimist with previous experience.

  13. Actions speak louder than words, especially if you're naked. -Belarius Denovo

  14. Better to be pissed off than pissed on

  15. it's better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all

  16. life is like a river, you cannot touch the same flow twice because the flow that surpasses will never pass again

  17. Practice makes perfect....but some say nobody is perfect so why practice.... lols

  18. When You Feel That There Is No Point In Life. Just Draw A Triangle. Then There'd Be Three

  19. if you think no one cares if your dead or alive miss a couple of mortgage payments

  20. If you think no cares about you... dont think of it.. wilbur matibag

  21. no farm no owl

  22. Man who goes to bed with itchy butt...... wakes up with sinky finger.

  23. Constipated people don't give a crap!

    if a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of her nose?

  24. omg a legitimate jahovas witness just came to my house, he actually asked if i would like to hear the good news. I said nah, i gotta study for finals. He said he said god understood

  25. what do you call the kkk vs blacks on a battle ground.....KFC

  26. It is a fact of life that you will always pick the trolley with wobbly wheel.

  27. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tryed slamming a revolving door.

    I am a bomb technition... if you see me running try to keep up.

  28. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.... But unless life gives you water and sugar with your lemons, ur lemonade gonna suck.

  29. Last night I layed in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself... Where the hells the roof gone?

  30. Thinking nasty is a sin. But God wont know until he knocks.

  31. When life gives you lemons...make grape juice!!! Then sit back and let the world wonder how...

  32. "I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack."

    This quote (as seen above) is from Demetri Martin, a genius comedian. I guess that's the same as a comedic genius.

  33. What's the opposite of you're out? You're in! Wait, eww urine

  34. Always remember when you are feeling down and really low that things will improve wjen you let go of your toe !

  35. When life give you lemons, keep them, because hey, free lemons.

  36. the definition of luck is getting run over by and ambulance in front of a hospital

  37. For all of you people who have read the Great Gatsby, I have a line that should have been in the book/movie.

    "Is it better to have loved, and then lost, and then found your love again, but then be murdered, or to have never loved at all?"

  38. In this life, nobody says "I quit"... unless you're dead!

  39. Sometimes I think the surest sign that there's intelligent life somewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us...

  40. When life hands you lemons.. Screw the lemonade, cocktails are much more effective

  41. screw the cocktails, I want apple juice ! (I can't drink) wah wag

  42. Guys may say women are selfish, bu hey, guys have their own saying "Every man for himself"!

  43. SCHOOL:

    Basic definition of the word "School" : A place to learn and experience new things.

    My definition of the word "School": S.C.H.O.O.L = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Lives.

  44. There only should be 2 days Workdays. After Monday & Tuesday of work even the calendar complains; W T F


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Funny Sayings Page 18

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