Funny Sayings and Quotes

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing :

either the car is new or the wife.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning. ----John Barrymore

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.

When in doubt, tell the truth. ---Mark Twain

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Always make stupid moves, it confuses your opponent.

Life is Hard... That's why people invented the pillow

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ---Groucho Marx

We have found that it's much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are. ---Anonymous

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.
- Anonymous

Someday is not a day of the week.

Regular Sleep gives the human physical fitness, especially while driving.

I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. ----Johnny Carson

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. Until you lose.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas. —-Ashleigh Brilliant.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. —–Winston Churchill

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. —-Mae West.

When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.

I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.

Whenever I go near a bank, I get withdrawal symptoms.

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Doubt Everything- Find your own Light!
Buddha

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.

Mothers are biological necessity, fathers are social inventions.

They say money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with “just kidding”.