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Funny Sayings Page 15

  • When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
    you can be sure of one thing :

    either the car is new or the wife.
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning. ----John Barrymore
  • I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
  • Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.
  • When in doubt, tell the truth. ---Mark Twain
  • I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
  • Always make stupid moves, it confuses your opponent.
  • Life is Hard... That's why people invented the pillow
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ---Groucho Marx
  • We have found that it's much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are. ---Anonymous
  • Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
  • Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
  • I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.
    - Anonymous
  • Someday is not a day of the week.
  • Regular Sleep gives the human physical fitness, especially while driving.
  • I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.
  • For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. ----Johnny Carson
  • This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
  • It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. Until you lose.
  • Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
  • No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas. —-Ashleigh Brilliant.
  • Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. —–Winston Churchill
  • Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. —-Mae West.
  • When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.
  • I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.
  • Whenever I go near a bank, I get withdrawal symptoms.
  • Well behaved women rarely make history.
  • Doubt Everything- Find your own Light!
  • Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.
  • Mothers are biological necessity, fathers are social inventions.
  • They say money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with “just kidding”.


  1. The early bird may get the worm... but the second mouse gets the cheese

  2. If all great minds think alike then how is there any progress?

  3. Great minds think alike, fools seldom different.

  4. a good friend will always bail you out of jail. a true friend is standing next to you

    a scientist will always look for the truth. a madman can make up his own truth

    whoever said that "words will never hurt me" never was under a bookshelf

  5. whoever said that "words will never hurt me" never was under a bookshelf

    Absolutely love that ! ♥

  6. Stay jealous its such a flattering emotion...

  7. Great minds think alike, stupid people share a brain and copy off the smart people. Thus, when you think youre smart by leaving early, you run into traffic.


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Funny Sayings Page 1

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.

Feel free to use anything, except my spouse & my toothbrush...I mean it about the toothbrush. Source : Humorous Funny Sayings

Please be patient. Even a toilet can handle only one asshole at a time.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson  

Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? Anyhow, I'm busting for a pee.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both partiesget what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, So I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. :)

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
Robert Frost

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
Craig Bruce

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

Newton’s third law of love: For every Idiot, there is an equal and opposite Gender Idiot!

Funny One Liners

That's the secret to life… replace one worry with another.

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my statuses?”

Always believe in God. Because there are some questions that even Google can't answer.

Face down, ass up, that s the way we............ tie our shoes!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished.

I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Mega Jones

One day before exam, I become the most religious person in the WORLD!!

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

Candy Is dandy, But liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash

I swear to DRUNK, I am not GOD.

Marriage is not a a sentence.    source:

Love is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always will…

Funny Short Sayings

Sit comfortably, have a cup of coffee in your hand and be ready for journey, the journey of funny short sayings. Unlike other journey which consists of some degree of tiredness, this journey will provide you with giggles, chuckles, laughter, fun and humor. When you came back from this journey, you’ll feel refreshed, lightened and ecstatic.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

You’re just 18 with (?) year’s experience.

Funny how the new things are the old things.
Rudyard Kipling

The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.
Sarah Brown

My Nuts are Ok.

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
Oscar Wilde

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

I have enjoyed life a lot more by saying yes than by saying no.  Source

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Wise Sayings

Beauty is truth, truth beauty" - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. ----John Keats Simplicity and straight forwardness and not intelligence, lead to happiness. The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart. ---Benjamin Franklin Don’t show attitude… I have one of my own… The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. Never move an old boundary mark that your ancestors established. Keep the gains of the post generation safely and pass them to our
future generation with useful addition by using best of our knowledge
and caliber. . A single moment of understanding can flood a whole life with meaning. ----Unknown Author You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum. ~Frances Willard Try to hide bad qualities of others. …

Funny Sayings Page 18

After 30, a body has a mind of its own.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao Tsu

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the Prices of new car.

When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.
Blair Sabol

I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.
Jeff Foxworthy

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

If guilty pleasures are so guilty then why do they feel so darn innocent.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
Mark Twain

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
Homer J. Simpson

I don’t want to die, but I am not keen on living either.

What do toilets and refrigerators have in common? They both know how to hold a load of crap.

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