A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. ---Burt Bacharach

An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.

I've seen better hands on a clock

This guy is all foam, no beer.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free. ---Anonymous

Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things, but just look what happens when they stick together.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. - Anonymous

Scientists have proven that it's impossible to long-jump 30 feet, but I don't listen to that kind of talk. Thoughts like that have a way of sinking into your feet. ----Carl Lewis

I’m not insensitive, I just don’t care.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ----Robert A. Heinlein

My Anger Management Class Pisses Me Off.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?

Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.

Chuck Norris is so tough that when he gets drunk he doesn’t throw up, he throws down.

I have a few multi-million dollar ideas that I can get started on right now. But I just don’t feel like it.

It was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! Henny Youngman

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the
hope of pulling out an eel.
Leonardo Di Vinci.

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.
Minnie Pearl

Marriage isn’t supposed to make you happy. it’s supposed to make you married.
Frank Pittman

When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare. —- Ed Asner

Babies are such a nice way to start people. —- Don Herrold