Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I reckon being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work till one is better. ~Samuel Butler,

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they think laughable. -----Johann Wolfgang Von

She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and. -Brad Ramsey

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -----Mae West

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you’re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for. Unless it’s death by meteor.

Date a woman; get a free pair of melons.

Word placement is important. Move one word around and this statement has a very different meaning.

What goes around...usually gets dizzy and falls to the ground.

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

The last time I heard someone fart in a public restroom it sounded like Donald Duck blowing his nose really hard, mixed with someone pouring wet mud onto concrete.

Fitness – if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Like a midwife, I make my living bringing new babies into the world, except that mine are new advertising campaigns. —– David Ogilvy

Anybody who can remember when “boobs” meant “the dumb kids” surely qualifies for middle age.----Dumb And Dumber

I’ll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen. ----Dumb And Dumber

I got worms! That’s what we’re going to call it. We’re going to specialize in selling worm farms. You know like ant farms. What’s the matter, a little tense about the flight?----Dumb And Dumber

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…