The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.

In order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads. - Unknown

I want to die like my grandfather- asleep, not like the passengers in his car, screaming!

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. -----Robert Frost

Everyone gets butterflies - the trick is getting them to fly in formation.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird.

You can study and get any certificates.. but you cannot get your own death certificate.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

I don't have hot flashes I have shore private vacations in the tropics.

My husband and I fell in love at first sight... maybe I should have taken a second look. ----Crimes and Misdemeanors

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch. Hermione Gingold

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. Rodney Dangerfield

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.------ Colonel Gerald Wellman

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. —Abraham Lincoln

Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

We got no food, no jobs… our PET’S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!”

Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.