Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning. --- George W Bush

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. --- Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. ----Woody Allen

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

I’m Out Of My Mind Feel Free To Leave A Message.

I Don’t Know Karate But I Do Know Krazy And I Am Not Afraid To Use It

When a thing has been said and well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it.----- - Anatole France

She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

I swear to drunk I'm not God.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is to lie down a little while." - Joseph Schenck

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. ~ Laurence J Peter

Stubbornness does have its helpful features. You always know what you are going to be thinking tomorrow. Glen Beaman

My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. ---Sharon Stone

Blessed is he who sits on a pin, for he will rise again.

I haven't lost my mind....it's backed up on a DVD somewhere

They say love is a two-way street. But I don't believe it, because the one I've been on for the last two years was a dirt road. ---Terry McMillan

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

I am not young enough to know everything. ----JM Barrie

Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!

The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner

When I was a student, teacher used to bunk the class.

By the time you read this you’ve already read it.

It’s an unfair life. So many girls, so little time.

My girlfriend says I need to be more affectionate…..So now I’ve got two girlfriends.

May your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders. ---Anonymous