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Funny Sayings Page 9

  • Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?
  • Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning. --- George W Bush
  • In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. --- Woody Allen
  • Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. ----Woody Allen
  • Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
  • I’m Out Of My Mind Feel Free To Leave A Message.
  • I Don’t Know Karate But I Do Know Krazy And I Am Not Afraid To Use It
  • When a thing has been said and well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it.----- - Anatole France
  • She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits
  • I swear to drunk I'm not God.
  • I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
  • If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is to lie down a little while." - Joseph Schenck
  • It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. ~ Laurence J Peter
  • Stubbornness does have its helpful features. You always know what you are going to be thinking tomorrow. Glen Beaman
  • My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. ---Sharon Stone
  • Blessed is he who sits on a pin, for he will rise again.
  • I haven't lost my's backed up on a DVD somewhere
  • They say love is a two-way street. But I don't believe it, because the one I've been on for the last two years was a dirt road. ---Terry McMillan
  • Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
  • I am not young enough to know everything. ----JM Barrie
  • Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
  • The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.
  • My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
  • When I was a student, teacher used to bunk the class.
  • By the time you read this you’ve already read it.
  • It’s an unfair life. So many girls, so little time.
  • My girlfriend says I need to be more affectionate…..So now I’ve got two girlfriends.
  • May your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders. ---Anonymous


  1. heres one
    "Physical abilty doesn't compensate for mental incompetence."

  2. this is a J.L.Moran orriginal, don't talk to strangers..... yell at them it's more fun!

  3. Here's a GOOD one

    I'm so afraid that i will meet God one day, and he'll sneeze and i won't know what to say!

  4. OMG, the fifth quote.. Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police is awesome.

  5. Here's one, "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried."

  6. here's two: The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his and the second one is a groucho marx:I dont care for clubs that would accept me as a member....oh wait i have 3(groucho marx again):i must confess, i was born at a very early age. thats it

  7. “The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.”General George S. Patton



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Funny One Liners

That's the secret to life… replace one worry with another.

When God asks what you’ve done with your life, try not to say “Didn’t you read my statuses?”

Always believe in God. Because there are some questions that even Google can't answer.

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Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished.

I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
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One day before exam, I become the most religious person in the WORLD!!

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

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I swear to DRUNK, I am not GOD.

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

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A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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