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Funny Sayings Page 1

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.

Feel free to use anything, except my spouse & my toothbrush...I mean it about the toothbrush. Source : Humorous Funny Sayings

Please be patient. Even a toilet can handle only one asshole at a time.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson  

Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? Anyhow, I'm busting for a pee.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both partiesget what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, So I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people. :)

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
Robert Frost

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
Craig Bruce

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

Newton’s third law of love: For every Idiot, there is an equal and opposite Gender Idiot!

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

I want to make a Facebook account and name it Nobody so that when I like some post, it would say Nobody Likes This.  

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

You can't have everything....where would you put it?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain   

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.
Lord Byron

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Sommerset Morgan

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
Ken Dodd

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
J.B. Morton

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Shall I not have intelligence with the earth? Am I not partly leaves and vegetable mould myself.
Henry David Thoreau

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!
Eddie Murphy, Shrek

The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I found a great way to attract money... work!
Curtis D. Tucker   

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I stuck with the pits?

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

I am in my own little world but it's okay they know me here.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

Finally things will start clicking…your elbow, knees and back!

Where there are no swamps there are no frogs.
German Proverb

Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
Doug Larson

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.
Bob Hope

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
Benjamin Franklin

I don't want to quit drinking because, as they say, winners never quit and quitters never win.

Life is so unlike theory.

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
Miguel De Cervantes

As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
William Shakespeare

Life is a terminal disease for which there is no vaccination.

Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Sugar is sweet, Lemons are tart.
I love you more than a unicorn fart.

It's OK if you disagree with me, I can't force you to be right.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run! He hates that!

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. William James

Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

Don't forget to leave your comments about these Quotes and Sayings in the comment section below.


  1. Really funny funny. Love them all. Let them keep coming

  2. Really funny! Please post more!

  3. Haha, these are funny it really made me giggle...unlike any other joke I've heard lately..:)

  4. OMG thats like so awesome!!!!!!keep sending more

  5. i was lonely. brought a smile on my face ^_^

  6. Really nice quotes...keeping posting more

  7. aww these are good :o)

  8. Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?

  9. hhaha love the army one ...they shud tell that to every dump kid that wants to join
    bt then agen hel prob like the idea



  11. Really interesting.

  12. i really luved them, keep up the good work :)

  13. The Army one is in poor taste

  14. This is good stuff, keep it coming...

  15. yeh man that was good stuff..

  16. wow thats funny i like the army one

  17. Ha ha ha! These are hilarious!

  18. i like the one in the comments about the birthday cake really funny and the optimist the others are ok:)!!!!keep up the good work!:)!

  19. Thanks! Those are great!

  20. Hilarious..........funny but carrying deep sense.
    Inshort well job done,thx for such a post.

  21. haha! awesome! post some more! I check every day for new ones.. :)

  22. hello everybody any chicks here! :)

  23. Great, I liked the one about compromise.

  24. haha, helped my boredom, keep 'em coming.

  25. some people are like slinkies.... good for nothing but brings a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs....

  26. lol great sayings... I got a couple...
    Im not as think as you confused i am... And... You sense no make.

  27. Very good sayings. Please add some more. Thank you

  28. Here's one I come up with when my brother came back from college......."The price to pay for intelligence, is common sense."

  29. What would happen if I hired 2 private investigators to follow each other???

    Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

    Was learning cursive really neccesary?

    Thats enough, Nickleback.

    I'm always slightly terrified when Word asks me if I want to "save changes" to my 15 page research paper that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

  30. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

  31. haha i got one... friends are like potatos... if you eat them they die... hehe :) also girls are like phones... they like to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button you get disconnected...

  32. To the Anonymous who said:
    "I only liked the one about the optimist. The others I didn't find humerous"

    That's funny, I liked them all except that one.

  33. Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

  34. reading these make you feel good makes your day keep them coming

  35. haha these sayings are hilarious but i dont think they should use such big words,

  36. good job man..... really good.....

  37. Life is like a bowl of Jello. It is very loud when you use a straw.

  38. awww, their all not that bad.. I liked the 'girls are like phones' one, even though I am a girl :P

    how about this one..
    "Why do they say the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon??"

  39. Good ones!!!! Keep them coming!

  40. hahaha they're really great

  41. nice these are amazing how about this one

    to get the attintion of a bull headed person you should speek softly but carry a big stick

  42. I've heard better

  43. this was okay but not so funny at all, in fact kinda stupid actually... really stupid!

  44. dont go to sleep angry, plot your revenge :D

  45. No one will ever win the battle of the sexes, there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

  46. jeesh some people are just so harsh. really funny by the way!!

  47. really helpful to avoid sad feelings----gohar

  48. Funnily there are no (famous) W. Sommerset Morgan. There used to be a very well-known author by the name of W. Sommerset Maugham. Two clicks and you'd found him on the Internet.

  49. Lolz.
    Heres one I thinks good

    ~ If Barbie is so populaire, then why do you have to buy her two friends???

  50. Enjoyed them, keep them coming.

  51. really like the saying, dont mind what the critics think they just jealus. loved em! thx for making my day a bit better!

    AA :)

  52. It is better to fart and feel the shame than hold and feel the pain..:-)

  53. old african saying - he who stands in the shadow of an elephant won't get sunburn....tink a'bout it

  54. those made me fast is the

  55. Dark cannot be fast, dark is a concept of something having no light. With out light us humans are blind. If you see something and its not a light source its a reflection of a light source think about it.

  56. Hey dude sum ppl r fags here! U got hilarous ones! Love them! Hehee I got 2!. -crowded elevators smell dfferent to midgets- and -when no one is looking I google myself thanks for making my day! Stupid fags on here SHUT THE FU** UP!

  57. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

  58. A pessmist sees the toilet as half full.

  59. I want a flamethrower......becuse I don't think I should have to get that close to somebody to light them on fire.........

    Dealing with politics is kinda like shearing pigs......there's a whole lot of wiggling and squealing...but very little wool...

    Given enough coffee......I could rule the world!

    People are like slinkies......they don't do much, but it's kinda fun to watch when you push them down stairs...

    Thirty days have September, April, June, and November...all the rest are thirsty too, Unless you make your own home brew.

    Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, "What am I doing here?"......then this voice comes to me and says "Well...right now you are laying awake and asking yourself stupid questions..."

  60. My dad thought of this one : "I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

    It's really funny!

  61. Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's why practice?

    Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Save water. Shower with your girl friend.

  62. hahahaha..hehehe... I jst cant stop laughing haha its really funny more please!!

  63. love it.
    super cute and nice.
    its really funny

  64. JB.
    She was shaking like a dog shitting razor blades.

  65. I really liked the "If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side" quote, it was funny AND inspiring- keep up the awesome work!

  66. FunnY qUotes..KEEp posting GuyZzzz...i Want mOre qUotes..they're reaLLy nice....

  67. "How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?" "Fine. She vanished last night....... :)

  68. When life gives you lemons, you only make lemonade if you are thirsty!

    These were great!!!!

  69. amazing quote , i wish dis quotes list are updated evry day...wud love to read more of them

  70. Some original one liners ... Quite liked it. Don't worry about the idiots man they cant come up with better. Tx

  71. when life gives u lemons make orange juice, and let the world wonder how the hell u did it

  72. the best one was "join the army..." all are very good..funny...

  73. When life throws you lemons, make smores.

  74. Lol, here's one = "Don't play dumb with me, I always win"

  75. here's one= "Some people say you only live once... maybe they should keep that in mind"

  76. Is there any toilet in here?

  77. oh my, I have tears from laughing so hard and my cheeks are sore from smiling, that is the best.

  78. Never tell a man to get a life,because he might be a criminal

  79. less talk, less mistake :)
    nadia a. mababaya

  80. This page is so funny I did not want to leave my desk! Thank you for the laughter!

  81. kids in the front seat of cars can cause accidents, accidents in the back seat of cars can cause kids..

  82. the jerk that laughed about the arny one is just that, a jerk. there are men out there fighting for your lives and u say that?! wow, just wow.

  83. When Your About To Die......

    Dont Forget The Cookie :o

  84. these made my night! ty :)

  85. dear you,
    you have been a great friend but when the zombies chase us im tripping you


  86. >halarious....vry furnyy....<

  87. A women is a pleasure but a Muldoon is a treasure....

  88. dis comments can drive u krazy.i will like to call it don't mind ur wife. luv dis work need more

  89. these were sort of stupid but some were okay

  90. its funny and makes little sophisticated

  91. They jst made my 9t. Pls post more

  92. lol these are better than mine

  93. act as your age not as your shoe size

  94. they are funny & some make sense. all more!

  95. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught! LOL that was hilarious


  97. Great quotes .... how about this:
    I met and married Mr. Right but I didn't think he'd be right ALL of the time!

  98. I like a saying I created.
    Nobody's perfect, that's why I'm glad I'm a nobody.

  99. Here lies old Auntie Hannah Proctor
    She couldn't stay she had to go
    praise God from which all blessings flow

    I thought a thought I thought I had thought but the thought I thought I thought I had thought was not the the thought I thought I thought so if I had thought the thought I thought I had thought I wouldn't have thought so much.

    Dolphins are the smartest mammels in the world. In just three weeks, they can train humans to throw fish for them.

  100. You dont have any friends once it comes to a d**k and a dollar !!!

  101. Love is life but life is not love

  102. i can keep you busy for 30 days: other person:How??:me: Ill tell you in a month...

  103. i luvv diss...if u can live without me...why arent u dead yet?

  104. Anytime i close my eyes... I can't see.

  105. life is a play ground made for the smartest players (cheaters) of the universe.

  106. "Things happen for "A" reason.
    God intended it, someone's stupidity, or our own stupidity.
    Rarely is it all three"

  107. If at first you don't succeed, the hell with it!

  108. Hi I wanted to ask who made up the sayings that don't have any names after them?

    I was hoping to use some of the saying here as chapter headings for a wattpad story I am going to write but wanted to check if that was ok first.

    If you respond, please address it to Kira so I know you are talking to me

  109. u guys are so funny. U keep my laughin mode activated 4 5 day. Gosh! I cant stop..... 'Ma granny stop smokin at the age of 96, not only was she smokin fish but also weed'.

  110. Most of these were funny but a couple of them were just plain stupid. But I got a kick out of the majority of them :)

  111. Please somebody haha give me an Adrenaline hahahahaha , i could not stop to laugh thing.

  112. There are only two people who don't make mistakes...God, because he is perfect in every way, and the guy who doesn't do anything...he can't make a mistake!

  113. Very funny!!

    Things to do today: 1. Dig a hole 2. Name it Love 3. Watch people fall in Love


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Funny Sayings Page 18

After 30, a body has a mind of its own.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao Tsu

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the Prices of new car.

When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.
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Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
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I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
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