Funny Sayings and Quotes

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
Henry Lawson


I don't know half of you as well as I should like and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
JRR Tolkien

A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.
Unknown

Intolerance will not be tolerated!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Mark Twain

Hard work never killed anybody. But it does keep you off Facebook.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Unknown

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman

No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I…

After 30, a body has a mind of its own.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao Tsu

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the Prices of new car.

When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.
Blair Sabol

I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.
Jeff Foxworthy

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

If guilty pleasures are so guilty then why do they feel so darn innocent.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?
Mark Twain


I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
Homer J. Simpson

I don’t want to die, but I am not keen on living either.

What do toilets and refrigerators have in common? They both know how to hold a load of crap.

If you want to see a co…

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ---Sicilian Proverb A Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!! ---- Author Unknown Best friends listen to what you don't. It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. ---John Dryden If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. ----Edgar Watson Howe If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them. I'd be at the bottom to catch them. Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. ---Plautus Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~Oprah Winfrey Friends are the flowers in the garden of life! The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley There are big ships and small ships. B…

If you love someone tell them, because hearts are often broken bywords left unspoken. Suicide is away of telling God, You can’t fire me I quit !!!!! Life is tough, get a helmet Love those who love you forget those who forget you. A mother’s love will never end. It is there from beginning to end. If love isn’t a game, then why are there so many players ? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. To the world, you may be one person; but to one person, you may be the world! Count your age with friends but not with years. Boys are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken. Sometimes, a cute friend makes an acutely painful enemy. ---Unknown When all you think about is your one and only, you’ve found your only one. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Life is a garden, Good friends are the flowers and time spent together... life's happiest hours and friendships like flowers, blooms ever more fair... when carefully tended by dear friends …

Beauty is truth, truth beauty" - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. ----John Keats Simplicity and straight forwardness and not intelligence, lead to happiness. The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart. ---Benjamin Franklin Don’t show attitude… I have one of my own… The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. Never move an old boundary mark that your ancestors established. Keep the gains of the post generation safely and pass them to our
future generation with useful addition by using best of our knowledge
and caliber. . A single moment of understanding can flood a whole life with meaning. ----Unknown Author You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum. ~Frances Willard Try to hide bad qualities of others. …

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. Take my advice — I'm not using it. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'I make progress by having people around me who are smarter than I am and listening to them. And I assume that everyone is smarter about something than I am. ----Henry J. Kaiser The glass is neither half full nor half empty. The size of the glass could be more appropriate. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I'm beginning to believe it. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?' --Don MarquisIn democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists. I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself? Don't join d…

Here is a collection of best Beach Sayings and Quotes. Enjoy....
A real friend is someone who takes a winter vacation on a sun-drenched beach and does not send a card. -----Farmer’s Almanac The cure for anything is salt water -- sweat, tears, or the sea. ---Isak Dinesen I have always loved the beach. The smell of the salty water, the wind in my face, the gentle roar of the waves all combine to create a sense of peace and calm. -----Anonymous I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach. ----David Ogilvy To love, and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man who has no gills. ---Ambrose Bierce I dropped a tear in the ocean, and whenever they find it I'll stop loving you, only then. ---Anonymous Heiland ran a nice route, and that ball was…

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
George Burns

Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.
Zig Ziglar

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.
Bernard Manning

You are a leaf that doesn't know it is part of a tree.

If you woke up today, congratulations! You have another chance.
Unknown

Excuses are like asses everyone’s got them and they all stink.

It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow then to spend tonight like there’s no money.
P.J. Rourke

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Mahatma Gandhi

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I don't suffer fools, and I like to see fools suffer.
Fl…

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
Unknown

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.
Mel Brooks

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain. And most do.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike
Sam Kinison

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much. You’re not that good.

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.
Dudley Moore

How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Mark Twain

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am hav…

Sit comfortably, have a cup of coffee in your hand and be ready for journey, the journey of funny short sayings. Unlike other journey which consists of some degree of tiredness, this journey will provide you with giggles, chuckles, laughter, fun and humor. When you came back from this journey, you’ll feel refreshed, lightened and ecstatic.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

You’re just 18 with (?) year’s experience.

Funny how the new things are the old things.
Rudyard Kipling

The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.
Sarah Brown

My Nuts are Ok.

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
Oscar Wilde

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

I have enjoyed life a lot more by saying yes than by saying no.  Source

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a…

Say what's in you heart to your beloved in a funny yet romantic way with these funny love sayings.
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends. Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man’s joke is always funny.~ Hebrew Proverb A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. ---Woodrow Wyatt Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? ~ Rita Rudner While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. Love doesn’t make the world go ’round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. -----Franklin P. Jones Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! ~ Robert Orben True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen.---Unknown Behind every successful man is a surprised woman! ----Maryon Pearson Love is loving what your lover loves. ---Unknown I tr…

Believe those who are seeking truth, doubt those who find it.
Andre Gide

I'm so cool, I make ice jealous!
Unknown

Animals are always loyal and love you, whereas with children you never know where you are.
Christina Foyle

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Unknown

S** is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Unknown

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!
Winston Churchill

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Unknown

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal.

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
Max Eastman

Where there’s a will…..I want to be in it.
Anonymous

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense.
Unknown

I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.
Christina …

What could be better way than fun and humor to cheer up ill person? Here’s a collection of some funny get well sayings to wish your under the weather buddy a speedy recovery.
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness. ~Ellie Katz Theirs nothing i can say that a Hallmark card couldnt say much better.It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class. ~Author UnknownEnduring habits I hate.... Yes, at the very bottom of my soul I feel grateful to all my misery and bouts of sickness and everything about me that is imperfect, because this sort of thing leaves me with a hundred backdoors through which I can escape from enduring habits. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882Hope that each day finds you feeling more and more like your wonderful self!Happy HealingAnd when the disciples saw it, they marvel…

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing :

either the car is new or the wife. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning. ----John Barrymore I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job. When in doubt, tell the truth. ---Mark Twain I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.Always make stupid moves, it confuses your opponent. Life is Hard... That's why people invented the pillow Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ---Groucho Marx We have found that it's much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are. ---Anon…